What happened was that I found out that the cancer I thought I had beat had come back. Finding out that news caused my wife and I to make some pretty big decisions in a pretty short time. One of those decisions was to have surgery to remove the parts of my stomach and esophagus that had been cancerous.

I ended up having the surgery two weeks later. The surgery went well and the doctor got all the known cancer out. During the weeks following the surgery I would have my good days and not so good days. I learned to understand that this was apart of recovery. Overall though the first few weeks of my recovery went well.

Unfortunately in the 4th and 5th weeks of recovery I ended up in the emergency room 3 times for various things related to the surgery. None of the items ended up being to serious and I thank God for that. Unfortunately during that time it was hard for me to deal with these medical conditions from day to day.

It was during this time that I began to realize that I needed to learn how to live moment to moment as opposed to day to day.

The reason for this is that I would have good things and not so good things all happen in the same day. It would seem at one moment I was on top of the world and the next I was in the lowest pit. As I started having more and more of these days I realized that I needed to cherish the good moments and not dwell on the bad when they came. By doing this it made the not so good moments more bearable.

Paul said it like this:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. – Philippians 4:11-12 NIV

I think that is what I am learning through all of this. I am learning to not let the bad out-shadow the good. Everyday we have on this earth is going to be filled with good and bad. It is up to us what we choose to look at and dwell on. We cannot control the bad news that comes our way but we can control how we react to it.

I recently found myself in this situation.

In my previous post a talked about visiting my friend in the hospital who had been diagnosed with cancer a month after I had been. He and I talked about faith and God’s ability to heal him. We also talked about how life and death were in the power of the tongue and how through that power we have the power to stay or leave this life.

He chose to leave.

It was barely a week after I wrote that last post. I can’t say that I blame him. I guess in that week from when I had seen him to when he passed away he had not eaten and was extremely weak. I believe that he got the point where being with God looked like a better alternative then being here on earth. I don’t hold it against him but my heart hurts for him and his family. In my opinion his life was cut short.

His passing shook my faith.It was a couple days later that I found myself at my Oncologist for a follow up appointment and the question of surgery came up again. Fear had crept in to both my wife’s and my hearts to where we considered but quickly dismissed it after prayer and seeking God.

My faith was shaken again.

About a week later I visited the GI doctor and found out that I have celiac disease. It is an autoimmune disorder that basically tells my body to attack my small intestines when I eat wheat products that contain gluten. I found out that this could have been a large contributor to the cancer I had.

More shaking.

The treatment for celiac disease is a gluten free diet. Literally from one day to the next 80% of the food that I was used to eating was now off limits. It was a huge change for me.

Yet more shaking.

So here I am 3 weeks after the celiac disease diagnoses and I feel that I have plateaued. I am getting used to the gluten free diet and things are good. Unfortunately I start to feel really dry in my throat and schedule an appointment with the GI doctor. He is not sure what is going on but thinks we should take a look. Therefore I have another EDG scheduled for next week.

Shaken to the core.

All the same questions start to swirl in my mind – is the cancer back? Is it something else? Is it nothing. What if this, what if that? I just become numb.

Fortunately God is there.

I spent time with Him yesterday and told him how I felt. I told him how I was scared. I asked Him if I made the wrong decision not to get surgery. I question him about what is going to happen to my business and my family.

He reminds me of His promise – He has healed me.

At first those words did not comfort me, I couldn’t hear that. As the day went on though it started to sink in – either God is who He says He is or He isn’t. Either I trust Him or I don’t. Again I am questioned about what I really believe. What do I believe? Do I really trust Him?

Yes, I trust God.

That realization brought so much hope to me. With that realization it does not matter what happens – good or bad – He is with me and He will help me. On top of that He did promise me healing and I receive that promise. I don’t need to play the “what if” game because He has that covered. He would not have brought me this far if He was going to let me perish. Life or death is my decision – He has given me that choice and I choose life.

In 1 Kings 18:25-40 we see the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal. In that story he has great faith to have God consume his enemies which were the prophets of Baal. But as soon as that Jezebel hears of what Elijah did and tells him that she is going to kill him. Instead of remembering the great victory that God had just given him he cowards away in a cave.

His faith was shaken.

While in the cave the Lord came to Elijah and spoke to him in a gentle whisper. In that whisper He told Elijah that He had the provision in place to overcome his enemies. Elijah listened to God and followed His direction and had victory.

It is in those times that our faith is shaken that we need to stop and listen for the voice of the Lord. It is that voice that brings us peace as He reminds us of His promises. We just have to get still enough to listen.

My circumstances have not changed – I still have the EDG on Monday – but I have peace. I know I am not alone. I know that God is with me. His promise of healing is fresh in my heart and my expectation is that I will see it come to pass. That is all I need to know.

The day before I went to see my friend he was given the news that cancer had spread and now there was nothing that they could do for him. That is a devastating thing to be told. The doctor said that they could make him comfortable for the rest of his time. Tragic.

When I heard this it threw me for a loop. He had been believing for healing and so was everyone else for him. It was not the news that anyone expected to hear.

When I went to see him yesterday I was already determined that I was going to pray for him. The focus of my prayer I felt was for wisdom and not necessarily healing. I didn’t quite understand why this was but that is what I knew I was going to pray for.

In the course of visiting with him he and I talked about several things. One of those things was what I went through in my treatment for cancer.In my treatment I had reached a point with one of my doctors where I felt that he was no longer effective in my treatment. That is not to say anything bad about him but I felt that I could be getting better information about my individual situation from a doctor who was more familiar with my type of cancer. I told him how I had then gone to another cancer doctor and had gotten better information which led to better treatment.

In telling him this story it dawned on me – his situation was not an end, it was just another chapter in his life, and not the last chapter.

As I brought this up to him I explained that maybe this doctor wasn’t too familiar with his type of cancer and so that was all that he could do for him. Maybe someone who was more familiar with my friends type of cancer could do more. He agreed.

As we talked about this I could see the difference in him as he went from despair to hope. The doctor had given up on him but God had not. I explained to my friend that it was up to him as to whether he was going to receive the word of the doctor and die or the word of God and live.

As the bible says:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. – Proverbs 18:21 NKJ

As far as God is considered it is up to my friend as to when he checks out of this life. If he wants to stay then God will give him everything that he needs in order to do so. I am happy to say that my friend agreed with me.

The rest of my time with him in the hospital we talked about different places that he had heard of that could possibly help him. We were also blessed to be able to talk about non-cancer items as well. In all we had a good time together.

When it was time for me to leave I told him how I had felt the need to pray for wisdom before I had come. In my prayer I prayed that God would direct him in this next chapter of his life. I prayed that God would direct him to the people that would know how to fix his situation. I also prayed that he would continue to choose life, and not death, and complete the purpose that God has for him in this life.

He agreed with me in those prayers and we both believe that they will come to pass. I can’t wait to see God do it.

This morning I woke up and had the oppertunity to spend some time with God. While I was with Him I felt him tell me that it was easier then I thought. While that made me feel a little better I wasn’t convinced because I still did not know exactly what I was going to do.

After that I checked my email and read the daily message sent to me by Joel Osteen. The title of the email was "The Great I Am" and started off with the scripture:

"God said to Moses, ‘I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you’ " - Exodus 3:14

The email went of to talk about how big God is and how He is on our side. It explained that God is saying "I am everything you need. I am your strength. I am your wisdom. I am your protection. I am your provider. I am your way maker. I am your problem solver."

He backed this up with the scripture:

"Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will bring me safely through. Your fist is clenched against my enemies. Your power will save me." – Psalm 138:7

God is our problem solver no matter how big or small.

It does not matter whether we are battling cancer, debt, or how to figure out a smaller issue for a project at work – God is there to help us out.

So I start today optimistic that I will be able to solve this issue for my project and that it will be easier then I thought it would be yesterday. This is all because I have the creator of the universe on my side and He is willing to help me out if I ask him.

Update 2/2/10

I did start that day out with the right attitude and I was able to get the task done that I needed to get with relative ease. It is amazing how things work out so much better when you have God helping you out. All the glory to Him!

I thought I was ready but it just wasn’t time.

The service that I sat in was the first and only service that I did anything in regard to the media ministry. I am not exactly sure why things did not work out, but I think there were still some areas in my life that God still needed to work on. It was kind of weird not being involved but I think you need to learn how to receive as a Christian and walk the walk before you can minster. So that is what I did. During that time my wife and I attended a couple of small groups so we still had fellowship and got to know people in the church. We are still involved with the small groups today.

Over the last six months due to some personal circumstances I saw the need to spend more time with God personally and began to do so. During that time I read the book Caught Between A Dream and A Job and am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? In both of these books they talk about how God has a plan for your life and how you were created for a purpose. I believe both of these things and set out to see what it is that God has to do for me here on earth.

There are a couple of ways that I am seeking God in order to find out my purpose.

The first is that I am trying to spend time with Him daily and work on the areas that He shows me to work on. The bible says that if I draw close to Him that He will draw close to me. I figure the closer that I am to Him the more likely I am going to get a glimpse of what He has created me for.

The second thing that I am doing is opening myself to be used by Him at church. Before it was difficult with the kids and having to sit through services by myself and/or have my wife be by herself. This time around the church is a little more flexible in that you can tell them when you are available to work. My wife and I chose the same schedule for availability for Wednesdays every other week. We may be working in different ministries but we will still be able to be in service together in the weeks that we are not working. That works much better for us.

I also requested information on another ministry that is outside of regular services times. I will have to see what the commitment for that one is before I can say whether I can be involved in it.

I think things are different this time around because I do not feel compelled to get involved out of habit. I am getting involved because I desire to. I want to do my part no matter how small to make my church a better place so that hopefully others can get closer to God. We will see how it goes.

The Last Financial Crisis

Before tackling the current financial crisis let’s look at the one that just happened seven short years ago. Back in 2001 it was the golden age of the internet. Billion dollar valuations of companies grew on trees and we were all going to be millionaires by 25 and retire billionaires by 30. It was a time of extravagance and money flowed freely.

During this time I was a couple of year into my Christianity and was newly married. I had gotten it into my head that God wanted to bless me and thought that these blessing were flowing through credit. I had gone wild and bought anything and everything that they would let me buy on credit including a house. Three weeks after buying the house I was laid off from my job due to the economy. I hadn’t even made the first payment on the house.

For the next 2 years my wife and I struggled along as she worked full time and I tried to start/run a business in the technology field. After 2 years we were stripped of just about everything (including the house) and found ourselves renting from her dad once again. I struggled another couple of years with the business until we started having kids. A couple of events happened and I found myself hitting rock bottom.

The Turning Point

The turning point for me was when I got into a business financial dispute with a really good friend that cost me our friendship. I remember sitting in my car with my wife looking at her knowing that if I didn’t change things that I could very well lose her next. It was at that point that I decided to quit the business and go get a job and try to take care of my family the way that a real man of God should.

Since that time my wife and I have been extremely blessed. I believe that choosing to make my family’s needs a priority as opposed to mine allowed God to come into our situation and allowed His blessing and provision to flow. We are more blessed today then we every have been in order lives.

(You can read my perspective on Christian priorities in my post – Priorities as a Christian)

The 2008 and Beyond Financial Crisis

Today’s financial crisis isn’t much different then the one that happened seven years ago. There was money flowing and people were looking to get rich quick and retire young. This time around though it was real estate that was the catalyst for what we are facing. The only difference this time around is that the housing sector is far larger then the technology sector and therefore is and will impact far more people. I do not remember any government bailouts for technology companies seven years ago but we have already had one for the Financial sector and now the auto industry is asking for one as well.

Last time there were several factors that I personally contributed to that allowed the financial downturn to affect me. I had far more debt then I should of. I also had switched jobs not long before getting laid off to a newly created position that was easily expendable (so I found out later). The position I transferred from was one of the few positions that actually remained when all was said and done and hindsight shows me that God was trying to protect me from what was coming. In the last financial crisis I contributed a lot to my anguish and I know and understand that now.

This time around I feel that I am in the right place with God and in the job that He wants me to be in. We have a little debt (still more then I would want) that is easily manageable. I have been tempted at times to fly the coop at my job but have stuck it out and am glad that I did. This time around I should be in a much better place to ride this storm out.

So why do I still get scared as if I am going to lose it all?

Who’s in Control?

I get scared at times because I listen to the news a little too much. I hear the unemployment reports and hear of people getting laid off. At first I was really into the watching and reading the news as it was happening and was finding myself getting more and more depressed. I was easily losing my temper around my wife and kids and had little motivation to do anything. I was down trodden because I felt like I was not in control and my destiny was uncertain. I felt like at any moment I could get that call into my boss’s office to be told that today would be my last day. It was terrible.

Things got to the point that my wife noticed and we started talking about it. She looked at me in unbelief as I quoted her statistics of layoffs and other end of the world jargon that the news channels and internet had been spewing for weeks. Her look of unbelief was not at the actual information that I was saying but at the fact that it was coming out of me. She was pretty quick to remind me that whatever you feed grows and whatever you starve dies. She told me that it was pretty evident that I had been listen to the news more then God.

Her wake up call was the equivalent of getting a smack on the face.

For the previous weeks we had not been to church hardly at all and I had been consumed with all of the bad news floating around. The next day I downloaded several podcasts from various ministers that I know have good Word. I spent the next week listening to them during the day at work and by the end of the week things were looking much better from my perspective.

See, the world is going to tell you that this thing is going to hit you and take you down with it. If you listen to it you are giving the world control of your life and there is a very good possibility that it will do exactly that. But if you stop listening to what the world has to say and listen to God, you will find out that He has a plan ready and waiting for you and is eager to share it with you. His plan is that this financial crisis will have a minimum impact on you. In fact it is His will for you to prosper during this time so you can help other through it. What we have to do though is to make a conscious decision of who we are going to listen to – the world or God.

Fighting the Good Fight

After having the conversation with my wife I made the decision to make God’s Word the authority in my life. At first I was consumed with the Word and I was taken out of depression and was actually a pretty happy camper. Bad news would come but would go as quickly as it came. In my mind even if I got called into the office to be laid off I knew that it would be apart of God’s plan and therefore had nothing to fear. Things were going great.

After that first week I tapered off in listening without realizing it. By the end of the second week I was starting to slip back into listening to the news and into being depressed. Over the weekend I realized what was happening and hit the Word again that following Monday. Since then I have been pretty consistent with listening to the Word and have been doing pretty good.

Another thing that I noticed is that even when I am in the Word if I get really tired then I become more vulnerable. When overly tired I struggle a little more in fighting back the news of world. I now realize that as I continue to take in the Word that I need to make a conscious effort to catch up on my rest as well. The devil always looks for the weak or tired to go after so we need to makes sure we stay up on both.

Conclusion

Bad things are going to come an go. The Bible says that it rains on the just and the unjust (Matt 5:45). I believe that God always has a plan to cushion the blow though. You may have been living it up and now this financial crisis has or is about to catch up with you. You may have done everything right and did not get caught up in what was happening but still are now effected. Either way God has a plan to bring you out. Sometimes it is hard to understand or except that but He is our father, our dad.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

The thing that always helps me in situations like this is to think of how I would be if my son was in the same situation.

If my son came to me and said “Dad, I played the real estate game and messed up, can you help me and my family out?” how would I react? Would I say “Well, that’s too bad, I hope you figure something out.”. No, I would help him. He might get a lecture from me but I am not going to leave my son and his family out in the cold because he made a mistake. I would do everything in my power to take care of him and help him get on his feet.

There is nothing that I would not do for my son.

I believe that God is the same way. There is nothing that He would not do for us. We just need to come to him. When we come to Him He will reassures us that He is in control and that he is going to take care of us (Deu 31:6). Anytime I get scared or concerned about something that has come my way there He is to let me us that everything it going to be alright. He is such a good dad.

Jobs come and go, houses, cars, etc the same. But God is always there, constant, never changing. He loves us and is more then willing to take us in and take care of us and our families. We just need to give Him the chance.

To combat this concern I have to separate what I think people would say about me from what I know God says about me.

While the last few years have been tough living the type of Christian life that I was taught I know that I have grown in God at the same time. Church and the Word of God are important and necessary in your Christian walk but so is having a one-on-one relationship with God. I know that in early in my Christianity I focused on Church and the Word while over the last few years the focus has been on relationship. At this point in my life I feel that I am learning to balance between the two.

The one thing that I have learned through this process is the love that a father has for his son. As I have seen my my kids grow up I can see that God see me in the same way. There is nothing that I would not do for my kids and I know that God is the same way. They may need a pow-pow from time-to-time to remind them not to do certain things but I only do that because I love them and want them to grow up respectable and safe. I know that God sees me in the same way. There are times that I want to go and do things that are not the best and he will guide me back to the right path.

It is tough enough to be a Christian but putting your victories and failures out their for the world to see makes it a little tougher. I do it though not because I want to try and show off but because I hope that if people see my struggles that turn into victories that it will encourage them to continue on in God.

Well here is a nice list of updates of what I have been doing the last 7 months:

1. I quit the Media Ministry. I went to one training session and knew it was not time to get involved.
2. I quit school. Was not the time either. I was not spending as much time with my family as I wanted. Also it was very expensive verses the return. 
3. Started making some good, steady, money from blogging which helped our cash flow.
4. In addition to the blogging I got a steady side part-time job doing web design.
5. In addition to that I have had more side web design projects then I have wanted (OK, I wanted them).
6. Prayed for the last 5 months about buying a bigger house and finally put the deposit down this past weekend on it.
7. Have been pretty steady in going to church during that time.
8. Had a “Connection” with my pastor. No, I have not met him but he said a couple of things in a service that I felt spiritually connected me to him/the church.
9. Joined a “Connection Group” from the church. Went to the first and only meeting so far. It was cool. Really nice people.
10. Feel like I am closer to God then ever. I am led more by His peace then ever before in my life. I am comfortable with not moving (if at all) until He tells me it is time to move.

That’s it. 7 months wrapped up in a 10 point list.

The last 7 months have been good and I really feel that God has been working on my character during that time. The biggest area that He has been working on me has been managing my time between being a good Christian/husband/father/son/employee/business owner. It can be challenging, some days are better then others, but I am here and still kicking.

I am not making any promises on when the next post will be or frequency of posts. I am still alive though and throw something up here when the spirit moves me.

Until then…

When tragedy strikes such as the Hurricane Katrina and the Virginia Tech shootings the aftermath always brings up the question of why. Why did this happen? So things are completely out of our control such as a hurricane – we cannot control the weather. Other things while we cannot control them we may be able to influence them.

In the Katrina disaster one of the biggest issues that affected people was the fact that there were so many people left behind to weather the storm on their own. I think that most people would agree that the government really blotched up in a lot of areas in that situation that contributed to the pain and suffering that people experienced.

One thing that came out as a result of the disaster was the fact that no matter how many government programs and plans there were it was still up to individual people to help each other out. The reason for this is that the government is just too big and slow now matter how efficient it is to meet individual needs on a personal level.

When I look at the Virginia Tech incident and the other school shootings around the country I see a similar situation. Most of the shooters in these situations were loners or outcasts and were known for being that way. In most of the cases people (in joking manner) expected these people to go ballistic someday and sure enough, they did.

Am I pointing the finger at anyone saying that it is their fault that this happened? – No. If anything I am pointing a finger at myself. I have generally been the type of person that would not take the time to try to make contact with these people who feel so isolated from the rest of the world. If I just took the time to be friendly with that person that nobody else wants to friendly with there is not telling what kind of difference that would make.

I hope that I do not step on anyone’s toes with what I am saying but I do not think that any metal health program, police, or counselor could have prevented the incident in Virginia. A friend may have though. If the guy would have just had a friend that he could of vented to then maybe we would not be morning the loss of life today.

I challenge you on an individual level to seek out people that a appear to be isolated and make contact and even make a friend. There is no telling what kind of difference you could make in that person’s life and others as a result.

How do I know? It just feels right.

It was not the right time before because I need to get school going but now that it is and I am used to it so it is time to take the next step.

I have to be honest – my wife inspired me – without her even knowing it. She is the one that involved first by starting to help out with the kids. Seeing her get involved and meeting people stirred up the interest in me.

I have already put my feet to the pavement and emailed and met with the director of the media ministry. As a result of that meeting I am meeting with the rest of the group tonight.

Another byproduct of the meeting was him asking me what I wanted to do in the media ministry. I told him that whatever they needed me to do was fine as that is the attitude that was always expected at my other church’s that I attended.

Here I feel that it is a little different so I need to decide – and I have – I am going to petition to be apart of the video production team that makes up our video presentations ahead of time for services. I have not had as much experience in that area as the rest so it is an area that I can grow. I am hoping that it will fit with my schedule.

I will post tomorrow to tell how tonight went.

Technorati tags: Ministry, Church, Media, Video Production, Serving, Christian, God

Walking photo by tehtopo via Flickr